Tebowing

I'm a football fan. "So what?" you may be saying as you sit in front of your iMac in your underwear (totally unlike what I am currently doing). See, the thing is though, it's a little weird that I'm a football fan, because I kind of hate sports. In both the spectating and playing of them. Let me give you a rundown of the most popular sports and my general opinion of them:

• Basketball
• Spectating: In the occasional moments between free-throws, gigantic men gallop back and forth on some laminated hardwood and throw a ball to each other all for the entertainment of Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson. Then they take a time-out to sell me Reeboks and Sprite.
• Playing: A unique way to twist your ankle and remind yourself that you're still too short to dunk.

• Soccer
• Spectating: It's a cliche to say that Americans don't care about soccer, but dammit, I don't care about soccer! I do admire how fervent other countries are about it, to the point that people dying at the games is just sort of par for the course. And I certainly admire the athleticism and stamina of soccer players. But holy shit, the game goes on for like, 90 minutes, and at the end, if there's more than four points TOTAL, it's a high scorer! That's bananas, man!
• Playing: A unique way to twist your ankle and remind yourself that you really need to work on your lung capacity. 

• Baseball
• Spectating: America's pastime! Back in college, I lived with huge Red Sox fans and was there to witness their triumphant World Series win in 2004. So I really gave baseball a shot. I really wanted to like it. But then I noticed something: while watching baseball, I could actually hear my brain screaming.
• Playing: A unique way to stand in a field and get sun poisoning and/or lyme disease.

• Hockey
• Spectating: Horrible to watch on TV. Just awful. Kind of fun to watch live for about a period and a half. Hockey actually reminds me of Nascar a little bit, in that you wait the entire boring time for a brief spurt of horrific violence, and it always ends up being a little underwhelming.
• Playing: I actually kind of enjoy playing hockey, except for the whole not being able to skate backwards part.

• UFC/Boxing
• Spectating: Boxing's kind of fun to watch, but UFC should just admit it to themselves and put those guys in a coliseum with some swords and wild tigers. Also UFC fans: the worst people on earth. Really, just awful, terrible human beings. All of them.
• Playing: Seriously? I don't even like to thumb wrestle.

• Cricket
• Spectating: What is this I don't even...
• Playing: What is this I don't even...

• Rugby
• Spectating: After football, this is probably my least least favorite spectator sport, mainly because it combines the violence of football with the, um, running of soccer.
• Playing: I tried once as a high school freshman on a coed team. I managed to accidentally tackle a girl's vagina and then had my face shoved in the mud by a senior who was literally twice my size. So a mixed experience overall.

• Tennis
• Spectating: Lots of opportunities to try not to be sexually aroused by the grunting sounds of the girls. And the prettier boys (looking at you, Nadal).
• Playing: "Those guys have been there for a while, maybe they're about to leave. Let's just wait a few more minutes, one of the courts will probably free up soon." Ten minutes later: "Fuck it, let's go get whiskey-drunk and watch Futurama reruns on Netflix."

She just looks so good in a skirt

And that more or less gets us to football. It's weird that I'm a fan because I totally get how completely absurd the game is. A bunch of angry men with cartoonishly large muscles wearing tights push each other as they try to get a misshapen ball while their cartoonishly wealthy white overlord owners watch from above like Bond villains. It's a one hour game that takes three hours to complete and the brief moments of action are interrupted by Peyton Manning reminding me about my MasterCard debt. It's all just so silly. And yet I love it. I really do. Sitting on the couch, drinking beer, eating nachos. I genuinely enjoy inhabiting the lazy American male stereotype, if only for an afternoon.

So I'm a Patriots fan ( I know, boo, hiss. Well fuck you, losers. Can't wait to play the Jets in the postseason. Oh wait, what's that? Oh, well never mind then).

I'm not saying they look alike...Okay, I am saying they look alike.

Tomorrow is the Pats' first playoff game and it's against the Denver Broncos. In general my attitude is that while I obviously want them to win, it's not a huge disaster if they don't. After all, it's just a game, and a pretty silly one at that. There are no serious changes to my life should the Pats win or lose. With that said, I really want them to win tomorrow, because the game features everyone's new favorite sports star, Tim Tebow! 

Tebow is the feel-good story of the year, a good Christian boy who was almost coat-hangered as a fetus, but then wasn't, and now he's a rich person throwing a ball at other rich people! It's an inspiring story if ever there was one! People like the guy because he's humble and takes himself and the game seriously. He kneels down and thanks God after his touchdowns, not like those other showboating heathens, spiking the ball and performing goofy dances. So inappropriate, those guys! Celebrating scoring points in a game instead of thanking God! I mean, when I get the Marvin Gardens block in Monopoly, I don't cry out "boo-yah!", instead I silently kneel down and thank Jesus Christ for helping me smite my sworn enemies in this fake battle with no actual consequences.

People seem to find Tebow's deference to God refreshing in the face of so much braggadacio and over-the-top machismo. I find it completely fucking offensive. Not because I'm not Christian or anything like that, but because it's a FUCKING GAME! Every time Tim Tebow kneels down to thank God for helping him throw a ball accurately, I just want to yell: "It's your job to throw that ball! I don't thank God every time I manage to point a camera and hit record successfully! It's what I get paid to do!" This is how I picture Tebow's version of God responding to his thanks:

"Yeah dude, totally. Glad to help. I had to let some seven year old die of Leukemia just now, but whatever, because you totally nailed that screen pass. High five!"

Apparently God favors Bros.

I like it when players celebrate with stupid dancing after scoring touchdowns, because it's a stupid, fun, goofy game. That's what you're supposed to do in games! "Oh, that Tebow's so serious!" No he isn't, he's an asshole! A rich, white American asshole who has the audacity, the raging narcissim, to think that the Creator of All Things gives two flying shits about him! You know what? Maybe there is a God and maybe He does influence the outcome of NFL games. I can't prove that that isn't the case. But if it's true, then that God is the worst fucking entity to ever exist. Because if God is actively helping Tebow score touchdowns, then that God is an interventionist God, which means He also caused shit like the Japan tsunami and the Haiti earthquake and my favorite cat being hit by a car and Rick Santorum as yet never having his genitals attacked by a swarm of angry possums (swarm? Posse? Flock?). My point is, if Tebow's God is the God controlling everything, then I'm done man. Not interested in playing anymore.

So to sum up, go Pats!

We all know who God's real favorite is.