My Predictions for 2012

The beginning of a new year brings the hope of a fresh start, the desire to change, the thrill of setting new goals and the struggle to suppress the nagging inner monologue reminding you of the six pack abs you still don't have, despite it being a resolution every year since the Clinton Administration.

But this year is going to be different! We're really going to overcome our Asperger's and start making eye contact this time! Just as soon as we're done looking at this picture of a dog answering a telephone on the internet. Also on the internet: My list of Predictions About 2012!

• Roland Emmerich's epic film 2012 will turn out to be eerily accurate, though only in predicting the death of Woody Harrelson after he is last seen screaming incoherently from the roof of an RV somewhere in the backwoods of Yellowstone Park.

This was not the craziest pic I found. Google this dude.
He's giving Nic Cage a run for his money.

• Every member of Congress, after having been visited by three spirits over their Christmas break, will return with a renewed sense of purpose and civic duty and vow to finally work together. Then Marco Rubio will call Dick Durbin a fairy within earshot of one of Durbin's aids, and things will quickly return to normal.

• Brett Ratner will finally get his own reality TV show on E! and it will be far, far more entertaining than any of his movies. Just wait til the episode where he fingerbangs Tara Reid at the Viper Room!

It's a face only a coke dealer could love.

• There will continue to be great new breakthroughs in clean energy, efficiency, conservation and resource management. However, there will also continue to be more than 7 billion people on the planet, so...oh well.

It's cute how much you won't save us.

• I will continue to avoid children because of their filthy, bacteria-ridden little hands. Creeps me right out, man.

• Speaking of children, I will, as of January 1st, unfriend every single one of you fuckers that posts pictures of your kids on Facebook. I recognize that you probably have friends and family who actually give a shit, but goddammit on a cracker, I don't. I really, really don't. My Facebook feed used to be pictures of parties and road trips and the beach. Now it's just weird tiny people who look like shrunken versions of people I don't talk to anymore. Also, when I look at pictures of your kids, this is what I see: "Hey look everyone, I had sex and then this happened. Yep, my vagina made this thing, and now it's got spaghetti noodles on its face. Too cute!"

• The rapid descent of humanity from its nadir into a pit of food, water, oil, mineral and precious metal depletion leading to global unrest, mass starvation, political and social upheaval and vicious violence will in no way be slowed by the release of the iPhone 5. But it will have a really cool new screen!

• Martin Ferguson of Nashville will die at exactly 2:34pm on November 9th, 2012.

• If all goes as planned, I just made some guy in Tennessee shit himself.

• Anne Hathaway as Catwoman will prove finally and conclusively that Christopher Nolan, talented as he is, can't cast women for shit. Think about it ... Carrie-Anne Moss, Hilary Swank, Katie Holmes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, etc. Clearly he has a type, and it is "mis-cast."

"I choose to portray Rachel Dawes as mildly annoyed
and a little sleepy."

• Adam Sandler's new movie will just be him, Nick Swardson and Rob Schneider standing around farting on each other while Sandler screams into the camera, with tears of frustration streaming down his cheeks, "do you actually like this? Is this really what you want me to do with my time and money? Are you all brain-dead masochists or something??" It will gross 187 million dollars.

Don't you get it? He's testing us!

• The Large Hadron Collider will prove the existence of the Higgs Boson, heralding a new age of understanding within the field of physics. Astronomers will continue to discover new exoplanets that closely resemble Earth, raising the very real possibility of finding extraterrestrial life within this century. Engineers will continue designing incredible consumer gadgets that were literally impossible a mere five years ago. Nanotechnology and gene therapy will march on in their destruction of disease and the effects of aging. But instead of looking at this thrilling new world of scientific discovery and progress with awe, Americans will continue to ignore it, instead choosing to draw their inspiration from a marginally talented quarterback who thanks God for helping him get that third down conversion.

Scientists invented a fuel cell that cleans water and creates energy
simultaneously. But yeah, no, this is totally super inspirational.

• There's a pretty good chance someone reading this will die in 2012. Won't be me though, because I wrote it. Sorry, that's just how science works.

• Jesus returns. Turns out he just took the weekend to visit his relatives in San Antonio. Thank goodness, too, because the cedar hedge really needs a trim!

• Some African country will have some kind of genocide or something. Zimbabwe maybe? That's in Africa, right? Whatever. Also, Charlie Sheen gets a new TV show! Yay!

• How about if no one gets indicted for child rape this year, huh? Just this one year, okay guys?

• If someone does have to be indicted, let it be one of the Kardashian sisters.

• No but seriously, no child rape this year. That seems like a goal that should be achievable.

• Barack Obama wins reelection, crushing the hopes of the Republican party and, secretly, Barack Obama.

"Fuck. Fine, whatever. Where's Biden? I could use a shot of Jager."

• Bank of America will leverage a new $12 monthly fee to all current Credit Union members.

• A video of a cat falling out of a chair will be posted on Youtube. It will be hilarious! Wait til Tammy sees it! She will just die!

• Your over-inflated sense of self worth will continue unabated, despite you being a completely useless piece of shit.

• Occupy Wall Street will finally open everyone's eyes to the fact that the whole political and social system is engineered to benefit the wealthy and powerful while keeping the masses placated and docile with consumer goods and sports television. Then everyone will remember that they already learned this fact sometime around 9th grade civics class, and they'll go see what Brian is up to out back.

• Julia Stiles will finally accept a role on a CBS procedural as a tough but vulnerable doctor or something. A district attorney, maybe. Also her mom was murdered when she was a kid I guess.

• A lot of people will continue dying poor, alone, unloved and forgotten. But that's super depressing, so don't worry about it.

As a child, he wanted to be a firefighter. But that's okay, you've got
to meet Beth at Starbucks.

• Some crazy shit will go down. Probably in the Middle East.

• Kanye West is gay. He really likes fashion, guys. Just saying, it's possible.

• Finally, everything will continue not going as planned. If there is anyone out there reading this who is actually capable of developing and executing a plan without everything going completely astray, go fuck yourself.

Happy 2012 everyone!