What your car says about you

As a Customer Service Team Member Associate Representative, or Guy Who Parks Your Car, everyday I come into contact with a wide variety of people from all different races, religions and regions. It's a vast, rich swath of humanity, endless in its variations, each person a completely unique conglomeration of genes, experiences and upbringing that cannot be duplicated.

Just kidding. Everyone falls into neat little categories, which are defined solely by the vehicles they drive. It's like stereotypes, but slightly less racist. Don't believe me? Take a look:

Toyota Prius
Driver: Middle aged woman, affluent. Loves environment just enough to make empty gestures.
Primary destination: Whole Foods, to buy organic rice curry sludge shipped from India to China to America. Fails to see conflict here.
Stock phrase: "Do you know how to drive this? It's a hybrid."
Average tip: $3

Chrysler Sebring sedan
Driver: Hertz rental customer. Nobody actually owns one of these. There's only been one recorded case of somebody buying one, Thomas Mitchell of Charlotte, North Carolina. Turns out, he had taken an Ambien the night before and sleepwalked to the Chrysler dealership. The salesman took the car back out of pity.
Primary destination: The airport.
Stock phrase: "Can you bring my car around? It's the gray, uh, I dunno, Ford maybe?"
Average tip: $5. Not bad, not great. Totally average.

Mercury Grand Marquee
Driver: Octogenarian couple.
Primary destination: The Cracker Barrel
Stock phrase: "Huh?!" *Fiddles with hearing aid.
Average tip: 40 cents.

Subaru Forrester
Driver: Vermont lesbian
Primary destination: The L.L.Bean Outlet
Stock phrase: "Can you give us directions to the L.L.Bean Outlet? They're having a sale on ugly boots!"
Average tip: $8. Pretty good tippers, really.

Dodge Ram

Driver: Raging asshole.

Primary destination: Strip club to watch UFC On-Demand with bros.

Stock phrase: "You ain't drivin' my fuckin' truck." Or, the complete opposite, equally shitty: "Keys are in it, chief."

Average tip: "I don't tip faggots."

Scion tC

Driver: Girlfriend of the Ram driver.

Primary destination: The club, "to get fuckin' wasted. WOOOO..."

Stock phrase: "Tiffany is such a fuckin' cunt." or "WOOO..."

Average tip: Has never heard of this "tipping" you speak of.

Acura TSX
Driver: 37 year old professional woman.
Primary destination: Business meeting to give a Powerpoint presentation on efficiency
Stock phrase: "We need to prioritize our assets to restructure the trending obfuscations.
Average tip: $10, if you bring the car around in 30 seconds or less.

BMW 5 Series
Driver: 42 year old investment banker who wants to remind you how much money he makes.
Primary destination: Early coronary.
Stock phrase: "Park it somewhere safe."
Average tip: "I didn't get to where I was by giving my money away."

Rolls Royce
Driver: Either the heir to the Proctor & Gamble fortune, or someone who hates money.
Primary destination: Secret Bilderberg Group meeting, conference room C.
Stock phrase. "Indeeeed."
Average tip: Charred remains of $100 bill used to light cigar.

Mini Cooper
Driver: Gay. Please don't assume this is an insult. Minis are lovely little cars. They corner like a champ. But they're the new Mazda Miata. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
Primary destination: Antiquing along Route 1.
Stock phrase: "This vase will look perfect in our foyer!"
Average tip: "Don't wear those socks with those slacks."

1998 Chevy Blazer
Driver: Disgusting. Seriously, I've never been in a Blazer that wasn't completely filthy with McDonald's wrappers, cigarette butts, Pepsi cans, probably some dead animals. No idea why this is the case, but it is.
Primary destination: The mall food court.
Stock phrase: "Beeeelch."
Average tip: A single, sticky, wadded up dollar bill.

Nissan GT-R
Driver: My new BFF.
Primary destination: The track.
Stock phrase: "Why of course you can drive, Steve!"
Average tip: No no, I should be tipping you.