Dunkin' Donuts coffee

It's a troubling fact that in this country an appreciation of quality is akin to snobbery. To enjoy the finer aspects of any given product or activity will get you labelled an effete intellectual with an upturned nose and precipitously balanced monocle, ready to be dropped at the slightest offense. In order to be a "real American," you not only must take part in mediocrity, but you must celebrate it.

But first, a brief history of my evolution as a coffee drinker. I was actually pretty late to the game, I began in earnest my first year after college, and like any idiot who doesn't know what he's doing, I loaded it with cream and sugar. And I drank Dunkin' Donuts.

Dunkin' Donuts. Our color palate was chosen by a blind, drunken clown.

For those of you not from the New England area, you may be surprised to learn that Dunkin Donut's motto is "America Runs on Dunkin," despite the fact that the vast majority of the country does not actually do so. New England takes a strange, perverse pride in Dunkin' Donuts, and I will probably be ostracized for my criticism of it. To denigrate Dunkin is akin to proclaiming that Jason Varitek rapes kittens, or Tom Brady snorts blow off male hookers in truck-stop restrooms. (Just kidding about that, Tom. Go Pats!)

What's funny about New England's love affair with Dunkin' Donuts is how it's completely at odds with the rest of America's view of the region as the capital of elite liberal haughtiness. To most, we are America's top hat.

It's funny because Dunkin' Donuts is  the epitome of mediocrity. I mean, it's really, really bad coffee. I was reminded of this the other day when a coworker brought some in to work. Although I normally drink my coffee black, I ordered mine with cream, because I knew it was going to be bad.

I'd forgotten just how bad. I actually did a double-take after the first sip. This is what I posted shortly thereafter, as well as Discover Discard blogger Katie's response:

As you can see, New Englanders get very defensive (especially Massholes). But here's the worst part: New Englanders have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to selection in coffee. Besides the Pacific Northwest, nowhere in America do you have a better selection of handcrafted and locally roasted beans.

Some anecdotal evidence to back this claim up: A couple years ago, my sister and I went to Tampa to visit the grandparents for Thanksgiving. I actually have my sister to thank for my "snobbery" in coffee. It's because of her that I now use a french press, i grind my own beans, and I buy the local stuff, like Coffee by Design (No, they're not paying me to plug them, I'm just hoping they'll notice and send me some free coffee).

Anyway, we were there for a few days, and we both nearly went mad from the combined withdrawal of coffee and internet. Tampa is a pretty big city, so you'd think there'd be a Starbucks or something. Nope.

My grandparents are the old fashioned types, and by that I mean they "brew" Taster's Choice instant coffee. I'd actually rather drink epicac. So the sister and I went off in a fruitless search of a coffee shop with wifi. There were none to be found. We found one ice cream/coffee shop. But it didn't open until 11am. 11am... a coffee shop... let that sink in for a minute. It was also called the Java Cow, which is an admittedly awesome name. So in lieu of coffee or internet, we ended up just getting completely vodka-trashed every night. So we made it work.

Tampa: As close to hell on earth as I've found. And I've been to Nebraska.

In other words, good coffee can be surprisingly hard to find. That makes New Englanders' choice of Dunkin' Donuts all the more infuriating. We have hundreds of choices! Great choices!  It's like walking into a La-Z-Boy showroom and choosing to sit on a broken lightbulb. You don't have to sit there! Look at all the great recliners you could be sitting on!! Also, maybe they should get the janitor out here to clean up these broken lightbulbs...

Let me wrap this up by getting back to my original point. I used to take local pride in Dunkin' Donuts. I used to deride the snobs who went to the "haughty" independent coffee shops. I also used to think hawaiian shirts were cool, and Armageddon was an awesome movie. (Actually, Armageddon works as an excellent parable of America's completely ass-backward viewpoint that simple blue collar oil workers are somehow smarter and more capable of saving the world than all those faggy NASA scientists with their neckties and nerdlinger glasses. It's seriously one of the stupidest fucking movies ever made.)

They didn't even have the decency to cast Morgan Freeman as the president.

This notion that intellectualism is a dirty word, that appreciating quality is somehow a character flaw is, to me, deeply bizarre and troubling. A friend who witnessed my french press stated, "that's probably the most pretentious thing I've ever seen." Why? Because I like my coffee to taste like coffee, and not a dead donkey's rotting sphincter? Why am I the asshole in this situation?

To sum up: Dunkin' Donuts coffee is shit. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't know coffee from a dead donkey's rotting sphincter (It's a good visual, so I'm going to use it twice).

Pictures from here, here and here