Giving Zach Braff your money is bad and you should feel bad

Recently Zach Braff launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for his new film Wish I Was Here. His goal to raise 2 million dollars was met in about three days. So it's a little late for me to suggest that maybe you shouldn't give him your money. Though if you haven't yet and are considering it, maybe you shouldn't. I have two big reasons why I don't think this project is worthy of money that could otherwise be spent on alcohol or schwarma or lighting a comically large cigar.

1. I didn't like Garden State. This is a personal opinion and not one you should really base your decision on. I just didn't like it. I found it cloying and twee and emotionally unsatisfying. It was everything people who don't like Wes Anderson movies are always complaining about, except for real this time.

But hey, you might be saying, I liked Garden State. I identified with it and found it to be a funny and tender romp through mid-twenties white person angst and I'd like to see a continuation of that. I think I'll go give WIWH twenty dollars. Okay, fair enough. But before you do, I ask that you consider reason number two:

2. Crowdfunding is being co-opted by cynical people for nefarious means. "But, wait! Zach Braff is an indie darling. Surely he's not swindling me!"

Maybe he isn't. But I think he might be. Let's watch his pitch video, shall we?



Ignoring the fact that he's using the inclusion of a Big Bang Theory cast member as a selling point, this video seems pure enough, right? He's doing it so he can present his vision untainted by the evil "money men" who want to ruin the script. But let's look a little closer. Zach never actually says exactly what it is these mysterious money men want to change, opting instead to provide humorous theoretical changes that include sexy poolboys and Denzel Washington. First off, even if money men were suggesting Zach offer the Donald Faison cameo to Denzel, I'm quite sure Mr. Washington has no interest in a tiny role in a 2 million dollar indie film, given his total lack of ever doing anything like that, ever.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Zach is honest in at least one regard. He admits upfront that there are people willing to fund his film. The problem is that these people are interested in seeing a return on their investment. Imagine that! An investor wanting to make his money back! The nerve!

Before any indie film nerds out there jump down my throat, I'm fully aware that money people can indeed be awful and that it's very difficult these days for movies, especially indies, to secure financing.

My problem is that I don't believe Zach Braff is being completely honest with us. First off, Zach is a wealthy man. He was the lead in a very successful sitcom that still enjoys a healthy syndication and he's starred in a few decent-size films.

Wealthy people, pretty much by definition, aren't who Kickstarter and Indiegogo were meant for.

Wealthy people are good at a few things, namely meeting other wealthy people, and turning their wealth into more wealth. The latter point is where I think Mr. Braff and other rich folk suddenly realized Kickstarter offers an ENORMOUSLY lucrative new revenue source. It's so obvious in fact, that I suspect they all collectively slapped their heads and made a "du-ooy" sound.

The current indie business model breaks down as follows: someone puts up the cash to get the movie made. Any revenue from the movie will first go to reimburse that initial funder. Hopefully the movie does well and that funder makes a bit on their investment, and then everyone else involved is able to make a little bit as well. That's about as good as you can hope for these days.

Now imagine there was an investor who was not only willing to front the money, but had no interest in getting it back. Ever. Instead, all they want is a signed DVD copy and maybe an IMDb credit or something.

That would be fucking amazing, right?? Because then if the movie does make a profit, who gets to keep it all? The director! The writer! The director's dog! Too bad there is no such investor. That would be madness! Oh. Wait...

That's what I think Zach Braff is up to. There's a very, very good chance WIWH will do pretty well. Garden State grossed about 35 million dollars on a 2.5 million budget. Plus it was purchased on DVD by every "deep" college sophomore in the country. That's a damn fine ROI. My guess is there's plenty of investors who would give Zach money with relatively little interference. After all, it's been 9 years since Garden State. I'm sure there's a wealthy trust fund thirtysomething out there who totally "got" that movie and would love to see the follow up. But why split the profits with some asshole when you can take money from a ton of assholes who not only never expect it back, but have absolutely zero legal recourse should they change their minds?

You literally couldn't come up with a better business model for cynical assholes who want to co-opt a wonderful idea. They can drum up interest, manipulate fans and completely avoid any financial risk while reaping huge potential rewards without having to share the profit with anyone. I love Kickstarter. I've used it successfully. I've given to other projects and I've seen friends use it to fulfill their artistic visions. It's a great idea and worth fighting to preserve. You know how people look at things like Comic-Con and SXSW today and complain about how they used to be so cool before corporations and PR firms came in and ruined everything? I think Kickstarter is SXSW ten years ago when a certain type of person began to realize there was a cool, hip thing happening that was not currently being exploited for financial gain. I think Zach Braff and Veronica Mars are the first early waves of a coming bullshit tsunami. Zach Braff is a wealthy Hollywood insider who doesn't need your money. He is the antithesis of who Kickstarter was meant for. I'm not saying millionaires can't have great ideas or make awesome movies. There's plenty of them doing that right now. Looper was awesome. Pacific Rim looks like it will be pretty sweet. I'm happy to pay those millionaires once the product is ready for my consumption.

Here's a thought. Maybe no one wanted to fund Zach's movie because it's a shit script just like Garden State was. Maybe it's a nightmare of saccarine pseudo-intellectual man-child bullshit filled with plaintively contemplative shots of Zach looking just so fucking forlorn. Maybe he thinks he's been teaching the kids, but in the end they've been teaching him. Maybe life lessons will be learned about what it means to be a man. Maybe we shouldn't fund a movie that will be, as a friend of mine eloquently stated, two hours of "Zach Braff sexually assaulting his ego."

Again though, that's my opinion. If you love Braff's work, fine. There's no accounting for taste. And maybe I'm wrong about everything and Braff only has the purest of intentions and everything he said in his pitch is completely true. Even if that's the case, I still think the crux of my argument is true. Crowdfunding is an incredible and dynamic fundraising platform that has the potential to disrupt and revolutionize entire industries. With that said, you're a fool if you think rich assholes won't try to exploit it like they do everything else. If you really believe in a project and want to support it financially, by all means do so no matter who is pitching it. All I'm asking is that we remain wary and cautious out there. We're entering uncharted waters full of sharks.

And sharks are assholes.

Forbes magazine is full of shit

I have a bone to pick with Forbes magazine, and not just for their continued refusal to include me amongst their list of the world's billionaires.

For those of you who don't read Forbes, they like lists. Like, Buzzfeed looks at Forbes and says, aren't you guys kinda overdoing it? Do you have a burning desire to know, in order, the Top Paid Tennis Stars? Or Tech's Top Deal Makers? Or Asia's Fab 50 Companies? Fear not, Forbes has the answers in convenient list form, presented in wildly inconvenient slideshow formats that never seem to goddamn work on a smartphone or tablet.

Anyway, one of Forbes more recent lists was the Best and Worst Cities for Jobs This Spring. Topping their list? Portland.

No, the other Portland. The one that doesn't have a TV show about it.

This doesn't count.

I've spent a cumulative four years living in Portland, Maine. "Robust, dynamic job market" is not a term I'd ever apply to the place.

Before I get into Portland-bashing too much, let's take a moment and look at Forbes' methodology for their list. It must be pretty exhaustive, right? Like, I'm sure they don't just take one set of data from one private enterprise and apply it to entire regions without any information about the types of jobs companies are hiring for, right? That would be a very incomplete, potentially misleading list, wouldn't it? I mean, if there are a lot of, oh I don't know, hotels in a specific region who participate in temporary seasonal hiring to prepare for the annual influx of tourists, that could lead to a skewed, incomplete vision of a city's hiring capabilities, couldn't it? I'm sure Forbes' crack editorial team would avoid something so nakedly incomplete.

I'm kidding, of course. That's exactly what they did. Forbes looked at the data of a single private enterprise, ManpowerGroup, and their polling of 18,000 private businesses in 100 metro areas. And what it found was that 23% of Portland's employers were planning to hire this spring compared to an average of 18% across the country.

Good on ya, Portland! 23% sure is higher than 18%! Hey, here's some trivia for you: Portland, Maine's primary industry is tourism. Portland's primary tourism season is summer. Buuut I'm sure that's not relevant here. Totally unrelated. Just felt like mentioning that, for some reason.

When contacted by Forbes, what did a Portland city representative have to say?

Chris Hall, chief executive of the Portland Regional Chamber, says he’s “very pleasantly surprised [to hear that the Portland area is one of the best cities for jobs this spring].

"Pleasantly surprised." Yes, it must have been a shock to everyone. For those of you who haven't been, Portland is a lovely little town. And I mean that. It's a beautiful, bucolic, picturesque burg where dreams go to slowly starve to death. But at least they can starve to death with reasonable rents and lovely views of Casco Bay.

Wait, there's a creative professional!... No, never mind, she's just visiting from Brooklyn.

The bone I have to pick with Portland is that it keeps trying to present itself as a city with a hip young "creative economy." Bullshit. That's not to say there aren't a lot of hip, young creative people living there, but none of them are making a goddamn dime being hip, young or creative. Which would be fine in any normal city where that sort of thing isn't expected. But Portland really wants you to believe it has an industry in applied arts, video production, music, graphic design, etc. It doesn't. If Portland advertised itself as a great place to be a waiter, middle manager at a bank, valet, or X-ray technician, I wouldn't argue.

"But without my MFA, I wouldn't have landed 'shift supervisor'!"

I'm going to use myself as an example. In the four years I lived in Portland, I made a combined total of about 50 bucks in my field of video production. Actually, that's not entirely true. Given that I purchased a new camera, computer and editing software, I actually made a combined total of about negative $2350. That doesn't mean I didn't make videos in a professional sense. I made quite a few, actually. I just never got paid for them.

So how did I pay the bills? In the tourism industry. When did I make the most money? In the spring and summer, when tourists arrived. When did the hotels I worked at expand their workforces? In the spring. When did they shrink their workforces? In the fall.

Eat a dick, Forbes.

Okay, you might be saying, maybe you just suck at life. Yes, that has crossed my mind. And I'll admit, I'm not great at it. But let's look at my situation now. I'm currently living in New York City. I haven't been here very long, about four months. Guess how long I was living in NYC before I was able to earn more in video production than I had the entire time I lived in Portland? Give up? Negative two weeks. I managed to work several paid gigs while I was still couch surfing in the city.

Is New York a difficult, expensive city to survive in? You bet. But that's pretty common knowledge, isn't it? When you hear the phrase "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere," you don't think of Crested Butte. You think of New York. In other words, no false advertising.

Portland wants you to believe that it's full of exciting young professionals in the creative arts. It has a Friday Art Walk, an entire "arts district" even (if you consider three blocks a "district.") Check out the Creative Portland website! Click on some of those links, pay no attention to the total lack of links to, you know, actual job openings. I especially recommend you click on the Maine Studios link. What professionalism! When Portland's one and only soundstage opened up, the governor showed up to praise yet another great step forward for the city's creative economy. I know this because I was there. Also, a year later, the studio ran out of money and quietly shut down.

The vast majority of creative people I know who have lived in Portland are gone, they've moved on to real cities like Boston, Seattle, Austin, LA, DC and New York. Which would be fine, expected even, if Portland didn't keep trying to entice creative professionals to the area. Portland is the Ted Bundy of cities. It's handsome and lures attractive young people in with false promises and then murders them. Or at least it murders their ambition, until all that's left is a big fleshy pile of mediocrity.

One final note. The other area of job growth in Portland, as listed by that venerated institution Forbes? Construction. Indeed! Construction! Wonderful! Perhaps they're building a new cutting edge film studio or modern high rise for new tech firms or... nope, no, it's just four more hotels.

Eat a dick, Portland.

Roommate Wanted Trailer 2

We're getting close! Seriously, though. No, I mean it. This spring will finally see the release of "Roommate Wanted." In the meantime, here's another trailer to get your hearts all aflutter. Although, if your heart is actually afluttering, you should seek medical help immediately.




Enjoy!

Girlfriend Non Sequitur Triple Feature!!!1!

I haven't posted in a while, and I especially haven't posted any GF non-sequiturs in a very long time, so I'm hitting your faces today with not one but three (3!) brand new GF NS's (trademark) to make up for lost time.

Just because I haven't posted any in a while doesn't mean GF has stopped saying comical and/or nonsensical stuff. There's quite a backlog of it, actually.

She's weird.

"You sound like you're in a Bob Ross painting!"

"I feel very earnest when I speak to rats. I feel like I can bear my soul to them."

"Isn't privilege a right?"